Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
