you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You smell like stripper and shame
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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