I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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