Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
