i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
so that wasnt chicken after all
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.