She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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