Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
