it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
