I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
