running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
