Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
