She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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