Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We got so high we made milksteak
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
