so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
