So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So much Jack, so little girl.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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