just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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