My liver just broke up with me...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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