Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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