i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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