Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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