I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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