This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
