I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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