I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
