He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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