Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
