I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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