the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
