i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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