I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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