I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
