I was born with a shot glass in my hand
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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