When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
