im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
