I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
