I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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