No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
