Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
