Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
