neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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