you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
