Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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