i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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