Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
