Sober January is a disaster.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
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There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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