***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
