My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
