They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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