I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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