I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
we should paint friendship bongs
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
