I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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