Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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