My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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