i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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