Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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