If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
