I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
