Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
