Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
