Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
