dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
