Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
