He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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