My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
